Reblog: It's 11:00 pm. And I am wide awake.

Written and published last summer on "Our Little Bloob."  Reblogged here for your entertainment. 
 
So, it's 11:00pm.

I just had a party of people over this evening but at the end of the evening when people have left, I look down on the blanket on the lawn and discover a worm, ok, maybe two worms.  Not any ordinary worm.  A bad, bad, bad worm.  It's one that looks like it does not belong there or anywhere.  It looks like a round worm or a tape worm or a ring worm.  I don't know.  (Later, I'll google them.  But they all look the same).

I immediately freak out in my head.  I quickly examine my dress.  The rest of the blanket, my hair.  All while trying to look inconspicuous.  I think about how Gabriel was just laying on the blanket.  And his friend Noah.  What if he touched one.  What if one got in his mouth??  I think back on the day, when he was laying on the blanket with his toy playing.  What if he was grabbing the grass and then he touched a worm or an egg and ingested one?  What if I got one?  My stomach gurgles.  What if Abe is laying in our room and he has them and they are crawling all over the floor? 

I open my laptop.  Google.  I don't even know what I am googling.  I contact the "Green Clean" company via email for a lawn consultation.  I look at the floors.  I need to vacuum. What if they are getting into the carpet and I can't even see them? 

What if Noah gets them?  How will I let my friend Stephanie know that, yeah, that time she brought her son Noah over to play, he got worms.  Oh. my.  I don't want them to have worms.  I don't want to be the house where you bring your kids and they get worms.  But most importantly, I don't want them to have worms.

What if Gabriel already has them from spending the whole week outside on the front lawn?  I think back.  I would know if he had them.  They would be in his diaper.  I could see them.  I crawl into his room and grab the diaper bag.  I pull out all the diapers one by one.  It's 10:30 pm.  I open them.  No poop, no poop, no poop.... When did he poop last?  Oh no.  He hasn't pooped in a couple of days?  Maybe that is because he has worms?  Finally, I get to one.  I examine carefully.  What is that?  It that a worm?  Nope.  Weird colour.  I examine my "What to Expect in the First Year" looking for the page where they talk about poop colours.  I go back and forth from the index to the TOTALLY UNCATEGORIZED chapters.  Categorized by age, but not by topic.  Can't they have chapters that are topics??? Like "Poop--what you need to know." Finally found it.  Okay.  Everything is normal.

What do I do now?  Do I wait?  Do I take him to the clinic in the morning?  Wasn't he acting weird tonight before bed?  I flip on the monitor and watch.  He is still sleeping.  A bit restless.  Do kids with worms sleep?  Have a fever?  When will I know he's ok?  Should I call the nurses?  Should I call Jordan?  It's midnight in Calgary.  Who do I talk to?  Everyone all over the world is sleeping and I am on the computer googling....  Self-diagnosing, problem-solving, questioning.   "How do I know my child has worms?"  "Bad worms in lawns." "How to get rid of worms." And I don't like what I see.  My skin is literally crawling. How will I EVER sleep now.

I laugh in spite of myself.  Is this motherhood?  I see a worm and panic.  I have a feeling that I will never stop worrying.  And that right now the "threats" or "problems" aren't even real.  (Well, that remains to be seen).  Yet, here I am.  I. AM. AWAKE. Tomorrow, I am washing everything.